In November of 2014 my wife Allie and I (then only engaged) participated in the Voices of Hope Project, sponsored by North Star International. At this point I had already come out as gay to my friends and family, as well as anyone who was paying attention on Facebook. I even maximized who would see my coming out post by posting it on the day of my birthday in August. (I also announced the date and time Allie and I would be getting married, making for what one friend would describe as "the most confusing coming out post ever.") Because of all that, I didn't expect much of a reaction to come from our Voices of Hope video. At least, not a negative one.
I was pretty dang wrong.
Amid the overwhelmingly positive responses from our friends and family, strangers seemed to come out of nowhere and go out of their way to tell us our marriage was doomed. To tell us that we were "making a mistake," to tell us it was "a terrible idea for so many reasons," to tell us that "the majority of mixed orientation marriages fail"—even to tell us that "[we wouldn't] have a healthy sex life."
What the butt??
As far as "non-strangers" go, a man who said he went to the MTC with my high school seminary teacher (because that somehow boosts your credibility) said, "No amount of hope, faith, and ignorance of psychological facts will make your marriage a success if you have not completely come to terms with your sexual orientation." Then I got a message from some gay, obscurely distant family member telling me about his divorce.
All of that unsolicited information was great, but all of those people had one thing in common: they were loudly ignoring our story while trying to make us fit within the framework of their own. It didn't matter that I came out to Allie on our fourth date, because a man who came out to his wife on their 14th wedding anniversary got divorced. It didn't matter that I don't believe in reparative therapy, because a man who got married hoping to become straight left his wife for another man. It didn't matter that I love my wife dearly, because apparently gay Mormon men only marry women in response to social pressure and homophobia from the LDS Church.
Can I just say that people are dumb?
(Yes, to an extent, people are a product of their circumstances and their worldview is largely shaped by their experiences—and that's all completely valid and understandable. But when people are completely ignorant toward me I call them dumb because it makes me friggin feel better.)
Despite all of the negativity I've seen, I still try to speak out whenever I can, because this is bigger than me. There are so many people out there with stories like mine that think they're alone. They keep quiet because they feel marginalized and "othered" by both the LDS Church and the LGBT community. They feel like something is wrong with them because they're somewhere in the middle, and they wish desperately that their life could be as black and white as the extremists try to paint it.
I'm here to say that there are plenty of us here in the middle, and gray is GREAT. I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I follow and revere its president, Thomas S. Monson. I also think men are friggin hot (not all of them), and there's a certain part of me that can only be emotionally fulfilled by other men—and my wife and I are okay with that. Marriage and love is much more complicated than sexual orientation, and while I recognize that not everyone shares my experiences, I ask that they please at least respect my experiences. (If you want an A+, you can try to understand my experiences!)
My purpose for this blog is mostly to have an outlet when I want to talk about something I think is important. I'm not always going to be talking about LGBT or even LDS issues, but they'll probably pop up every now and again. I really just want to promote discussion, understanding, and love. I want to defend people who feel marginalized and to promote the middle ground.
By the way, our sex life is AMAZING.
